a struggle to live, a struggle to beat myself down

...My first blog attempt from my iphone, let's see how the formatting comes out...might need to fix it later on my laptop.

I notice that in all aspects of my life, I seem to be fighting a fight despite my best efforts or intellectual preference...

It's an invitation to myself, an ivitation to a game. A tug of war game, almost a cat and mouse

The direction in which I struggle doesn't make any logical sense. But I suspect many of us are caught in this current:

Fighting to keep myself from being truly happy, truly carefree

Fighting to keep myself just above water so that every moment will seem like a challenge

It's like if I become too happy, or life becomes too easy, I get bored and need to invent some way to make it more of a "game," more of a struggle, because then a happy outcome is more of reward, more of a thrill

I do this with my budget, my love life, my school work, my art work, my eating habits...

Examples of games I play:

-How much can I stretch my budget before I'm broke?

-How many doughnuts can I eat before I gain weight?

-How involved can I get with a boy who's trouble before it crashes?

-How much can I procrastinate on my homework before it's late?

-How late can I leave for my bus before I miss it?

-And some deeper games that I won't mention on this public blog.

Push, push, push the line, until I -just-squeak by, and the adrenaline is pumping.

This is also why I love traveling in the third world... Seems like every moment is an adventure, an unknown factor, a game to win, a challenge to meet. Europe is pretty but it's so easy to figure out!

But all of this behavior is self-sabatoge, a waste of valuable energy, a sad misuse of resources. Daily I resolve to live more "safely." Save more money. Get more sleep. Do more homework ahead of time. Date nice people instead of exciting jerks.

But I look back at old journals from the 6th grade and realize that I've been doing this all my life. Daily resolving to change.

And yet I remain this contradiction of wastes.

Deep down, my only interest is in struggle.

And I will continue to resolve to change, and will continue with the sabatoge anyway.

And maybe this is what it is.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]