perfectionist dating.

I seem to be on a writing frenzy today, and am for some reason steeped in self-evaluation and discovery. This may lead to boring blogging, since all of these entries are just about ME!

But it is MY blog afterall, and hardly anyone reads it anyway. So I continue.

My previous two blogs discussed the following:

1) that I often sabotoge my own happiness, because it seems boring or uninteresting, and therefore I introduce "spice" and look for something to make it exciting.

2) my underlying perfectionist nature means that in hard times, I gravitate toward activities which have "scorecards" or measureable success ratings, which I think comes from a need to "measure up." However, I have come to realize that for me, deeper, meaningful satisfaction comes from activities for which there is no report card.

Now I realize that this is also true in my quest for love and relationships - that deep down I crave a partner that challenges me, tickles my creativity, and is unpredictable and energizing. However, my perfectionist nature will always be looking for a "right answer" and a "stopping point" in the relationship, or an OUTSIDE opinion, to tell me if it is the "RIGHT GUY" or "PERFECT PARTNER" or "SATISFACTORY RELATIONSHIP."

But obviously, no one can tell me who the perfect mate is BUT ME. Obviously, no one can "measure" our relationship and FIGURE OUT the RIGHT ANSWER so that I can have an objective report card telling me how to proceed.

This is why dating is so fun, and yet so deeply frightening to me. Because ultimately there is no right answer to be found - I just have to someday decide what I want, what works, and who I will choose to be with, regardless of any arbitrary score cards.

So how will I EVER EVER know?

I think I've bounced around now for awhile, not really ever knowing what I think or feel, because I'm still looking for a scorecard.

A perfectionist says, what is love REALLY? Do i REALLY experience love? How do I actually know? And this is a good relationship but COULD IT BE BETTER, is there a BETTER OPTION out there SOMEWHERE??

Aghhh!!!

It sounds so simple. Mandy, why don't you just accept that love isn't a scorecard, and just follow your "heart?"

But in actuality, I think that will require a lifetime of effort to learn, and only over time to I conquer my self-loathing perfectionist tendency.

But it is all a process, and a road, and I continue walking it.

And blogging it.