being zen, or just projecting it?

it's always been funny to me that those I know on the "surface level" have often commented that i have a very "zen" way about me. if a guy is ever interested in me, this is usually one of the first things he says. "you make me feel so calm."

but on the inside, i feel like i am in constant sway & turmoil, tossed upon the stormy seas of stress, emotions: worried about jobs, money, relationships, my weight... the list goes on. those who know me well, know that i am anything but zen. i'm not quite sure why i have the tendency to appear the opposite of how i feel. maybe it comes from working in retail and trying to "project" a certain image of myself, even in times of intense inner conflict.

in this strong uncertainty of employment, i'm becoming particularly stressed inside, but i hope to focus on still maintaining that outer zen, so that at least I will not bring others down around me.

and in the meantime, as always, even though i am filled with stress, i will pursue that inner TRUE zen, and try to quiet my mind, lay to rest the struggles, and focus on being peaceful and loving.

money comes and goes. jobs come and go, but my SELF is here as long as I remain on this earth.