joke's on me. it's only this.

joke’s on me. it’s only this.

it's only this. it's only now. what do i have to show? no photos of my children, no wedding rings, no houses with brazilian hardwoods. no doctorate degrees, no published articles. no one who gazes at me lovingly. no causes i've successfully championed, no glaciered summits i've conquered. no projects i've lead for world peace and environmental restoration. it's only me. it's only this. it's only fleeting moments.

which home is really home?

when i go home and come back i end up separated like spaghetti and noodles, like french fries all shredded and frying in hot burning oil.

when brain and feelings are torn between the safe and the unknown

feelings float this way and that, slimy noodles in the boiling water, like the fries in oil, turning darker

it's nice to visit the safe, even if it feels like a lie. i feel like i don't even know myself. i miss my mom, yet i feel like i am lost around her.

i feel a lot of guilt, for what i'm not sure. i guess for leaving, for leaving the town i was raised in, for leaving the beliefs i was given and leaving the gaze of those who loved me. for following things and ideas i believe in. for following colors instead of logic. for not ending up with a perfect house, husband, career, kids, dog, car like i'm supposed to. is the joke on me now? i used to think these things weren't for me, but i see everyone has them now, and they seem happy. don't compare, don't compare, but how do you not compare when you go back home. i envy those who have no regrets. i regret regretting. i'm not sure what i want or need. have i done right? have i loved well? have i given of myself for others? i feel as though i have taken much and given little. now i want to give back tenfold, but can i redirect the paths i have so strongly carved out for myself of selfishness? can i live purely and without wish for the esteem of others? - i don't think so. my heart seems so dark sometimes.

sometimes it's hard not to wallow in guilt. do i crave it, do i make it my partner? i feel like sleeping a hundred years tonight.